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Fear and Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Date Posted: 2007-04-23I have been contemplating a lot recently. I sadly haven't gotten
anywhere as most of my time to myself is spent thinking of how I can be
with someone else. I hate being alone, though sometimes it is
necessary. I have always felt this way I think.
I remember a
time when I was a little kid. My mom had gone into someones house to
visit briefly. I was given to option to come in as well after being
assured it would be just a short visit. With that knowledge I opted to
stay in the car and wait it out. Suddenly I was alone. I didn't last
long before I did last long before I wanted to go inside. It felt like
I had been in the car for hours, though it was probably only minutes. I
went up to the door of the house and knocked on the door. No one came.
I knocked some more. Still no one. I started to cry... hard. I feared
the worst, I feared I was being neglected. I was alone and getting very
scared. Through blurred tearing eyes I keep looking up at the door
knocking. Finally someone came to the door and let me in. I got a
chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven out of the whole deal (I
wonder if that led to my affinity for cookies, they make me feel
better). In hindsight it was all kinda stupid, but remember, I was a
little kid.
I have never actually told anyone that story before.
Sadly though that wasn't the only time that has happened, that story
has actually been repeated in my childhood at least a few other times
after that moment. Its a pattern, I think I want to be alone, but
before long I feel neglected.
I went for a walk twice today. I
really wanted to go for a walk with someone, but I didn't. I went
alone. I thought it might be best for me to take some alone time, but
before long I felt neglected again. I thought about asking someone to
join me, but I thought they probably wouldn't be interested. I'm not
sure why I didn't just ask, maybe I am afraid of finding out no one
really did want to go with me, then I would really feel neglected.
Pretty sad, huh?
On my walk I passed this kid on his bike and
his dad. I actually passed them twice, once on my way out and once on
my way back (actually they passed me on the way back). The first time I
saw them I said hi to the dad. Just a friendly neighbor kinda greeting,
the kid just looked at me. On the second encounter the kid rode past me
and said hi. It was so cool. I don't really know why, but it made
something spark in me. It just made me feel better. Just that little
bit of attention from someone that didn't know me was incredible.
I
began to think about what it might be like to have a kid someday. That
in turn got me thinking about the only person I really truly wanted to
walk with. Then I started thinking about God. I can't help but wonder
how many times He has wanted to go on a walk with me. I wonder how many
times I have declined to ask Him because of that same fear. And you
know what, I think I only ended up hurting myself. I ended up feeling
neglected, simply because I was afraid to go on the walk for fear of
being neglected.
I think next time I feel like going for a walk,
I am just going to ask someone. I hope they say yes, but even if they
don't, its ok. God will be there. He promised He would be and He hasn't
broken that promise yet, why should I be afraid He will start now?
Plus, I bet God makes some crazy good chocolate chip cookies.
-Art
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